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No. 13 Siemens A60
For those of you who don't know, this is a phone (apparently), though it doubles as a monetary black
hole. It's old now, but I bought it 'cos I jumped off an assault boat with my old one (it broke, surprise surprise)
and needed a cheap thing wot called people.
None of you would really be stupid enough to buy this, surely? It was £20 I think, which
appealed to me 'cos I have a lot to organise which requires a phone, but I failed to spot that it was £20
for a reason. Apart from shocking build quality and games that fail to amuse you even on
the train to work, the damn thing has an annoying tendency to dial the internet in your pocket.
Why would it do this? The damn phone lock is released by pressing 1 button for like
1 second, meaning slight knocks activate the keypad again, and one of the quickdial thingies is - you guessed it - the god
damned internet. I have found it once not even finally connected, and when I checked it have burned away
£2 of my credit! Thanks a lot, vodafone, for the rapid connection of your vodafone live! service. So I lost £2, and couldn't
even listen to the annoying ringtones/view the low quality porn that it had attempted to connect to.
Admittedly, mine's taken a battering, and I lost the back cover coming home drunk (don't ask) - but
it's a piece of crud new anyway. Horrible little git.
No. 1: Zildjian Anti-Vibe Drumstics
Duuuude this sticks are weird. Seriously. From the outside they look like normal drumsticks with black buttons on the
base, but you can really feel the difference.
It feel like you're hitting the sweet spot on the drum every single time - and that's only on practice pads. On drums
you could play for hours with them and not notice the strain on your forearms.
OK OK, they do have some sucky bits. You can start a fill, but as you can't feel the sticks bounce you really can't maintain
the roll. Dammit.
Also, i used some Vater griptape to counteract sweat from maintained playing. It sucks. whilst the stick gets easier
to hold, and you get less blisters, the tape slides down the stick. How lame.
No.2. Guns n' Roses Greatest Hits
Yes... enough of this crap. This album has some really good bits in the songs, like the catchy chorus of Paradise
City, but you know the band weren't that great when a song like November Rain gets inflicted on
you as a "greatest hit". Ohh godd... they would probably be better if someone other than Axl Rose was their
frontman. Anyway, unless you are a hard core Guns n' Roses fan, Appetite for Destruction is a much better
album. It is probably cheaper, too.
No.3. Lateralus and Ænema; Tool
Luke here, hijacking Steve's normal corner of sadistic
drum filled pleasure.
I love these albums.
Truly adore them. However, I wouldnt advise you to go and spend your money on them; theyre prog metal.
These are the sort of album that really demands
time from you to enjoy them; while they're pretty accesible (for prog metal) you'll no more than scratch the surface if you
have them on in the background. The lyrics are inteligent/awkward (depending on how you see them), but very emotive whe you
really get into the mindest to understand them.
Thats mindset isnt that of your average stoner/chav/guitarist,
mind. References are made to some very oblique ideas in order to convey a complex idea; Carl Jung's writings on the ego and
super-ego, the Golden Ration and the Golden Spiral and a Judaistic Tree of Life (which in turn references the orbital
patterns of Saturn). You've got to be prepared to really think about the music and lyrics to enjoy these albums, and thats
where the greatest satisfaction lies.
Steve again - I would like to apologise for any mental/aural scarring occured after listening to whatever the hell
it is Luke has recommended to you ... this man does not represent us in any way...
Having said
that, if you are into metal music [good metal music, NOT lateralus!!!] you'll like Symphony X - Twighlight
in Olympus. It is sooo just a heavier version of Moving Pictures by Rush
though.
Mehhh....
No. 4. Beebo - the cat wot has facial hair
Hee hee gahhh I am soooo immature. Yeah anyway, this cartoon is about Beebo - a cat with a moustache and
goatee - and Harry, his owner. They get involved in all sorts of violent and humourous adventures, but it is not for the easily
insulted or offended. The crappy animation adds to the humour for immature f***s like me. You really have to watch it to see
what I mean, but one word of advice: don't play it when your mum's in the room. Lines like "Get out of my house or I'll rape
you" will get you in deep s*** with anyone who enjoys order and law... or your parents...
No. 5. All Your Base are Belong to Us
Its a poorly translated trashy Japanese anime sci-fi cartoon.
The backing music is called "Invasion of the Gabber Robots". Oh, how we love this world and all its quirky weirdness.
No. 6. Retarded Animal Babies!
<DISCLAIMER: Steve did not intend this to offend. Don't sue me! PLEEEEASE!!! I'll do anything... unless you're
a dirty b******, in which case i'll do ALMOST anything.>
Yeah this is a random cartoon on Newgrounds.com, which is quite a legendary site. The series gets gradually more offensive,
immature and generally retarded as it goes along, with idiotic lines such as "XXX is for PORNO! ... and BEER!" which I have
to say are stupid or some people will kill me... dammit, me and my immature tiny mind... I blame everyone else but me...
If you're as/almost as/want to be as immature and stupid as I am, you'll love this series.
If you're mature and responsible then this really really isn't for you. You'll die of shock on the spot. Or swear at
me. Or both.
No. 7. Ben Cole
That's right, Elliot's brother. Its always good to have a loyal team of techies who can lay their hands on a wide variety
of exotic - and expensive - equipment, and who can operate said expensive gear. Unfortunately, we're boned in that regards
(if you do wanna be our roadies/techies/groupies, then feel free to contact us), and so we have Ben.
Without Ben, Black Lotus would be in open water when it comes to recording. None of us are going to shell out real money
to rent a studio, and none of us can operate/find all the complicated stuff thats needed. Literally hundreds of metres of
cables, a dozen high quality mikes, the biggest mixer you've ever seen... we're no idea where it all comes
from.
Well, we do know actually; Ben gets lent it by a guy at work.
On top of all this, he opens up a whole new market to us - a market with fingers in the pie that is the music industry.
No. 8. California Ratepayer's Hall
Argueably the most retarded place in the whole of Berkshire, being f*** difficult to get
to and very low on useful facilities to qualify this. To rent this place out for anything is to want to lose money.
A better use of the money would be to cut out the middle man and just give me <steve> £200. It'll be
less stressful as well.
Not only is this place about as useful as a bath with no bottom, it costs a metric
bomb and the locals are all pikey sh***s. These are the kind of people that consider any girl over 18 without a baby an infertile
waste, and think they're rap-star gangsters from detroit. J****, this is Britain, you can't pull
that s*** on people here, it just annoys them.
Score: -40/10.
No. 9. Muse - Absolution
<Yeah, I know full well this album's about a year old, but I don't have kazaa and was too stingy/poor
to buy it before a sale in HMV.>
Reasonably good album, the band tried very hard to integrate classical music into
this, possibly to make it more emotive... oops. Tracks like Blackout should NEVER have been
recorded. I mean, please, for the love of god... and their drummer's fairly creative, too...
Best tracks on this album are easily Time is Running Out and Hysteria.
They're very distinct, but this album is very emotive and so is not for the suicidal/depressed/weak minded,
as they will suicide/cry/cry loudly.
The lyrics are trying hard to be clever but at times make no sense grammatically,
as ideas are carried verse to verse and the chorus is coincidental...
No. 11. This particular corner of Hell
Its a sad fact that this here page is possibly the most interesting page on the site for those
of you who don't give a monkey's ass about what instruments we play or what we look like (which frankly is most of you). It
gives an unparalelled and deeply disturbing insight into the workings of mostly Steve's and a little bit of Luke's minds.
Freaky.
No. 12. Number 10
Whatever happened to the 10th thing of Steve's Stuff?
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